A friend of mine comes from a Christian family. It so happened that her brother is gay and he revealed his orientation to his mother. His mother said this situation made her realise how homophobic she was and how she had to change her mind. Clearly, my friend loved her brother and did not want to alienate or lose him.

Her brother, too, faced a difficult situation. But at some point, one has to make a decision and be at peace with it. There are a lot of risks, and you do not want to divide people, but it is uncomfortable in a relationship in which you cannot talk honestly. It is very difficult. Trying to live your life protecting other people by being oversensitive to what you think they may feel, is different from just being courteous to others. Also, it is different from not putting it into their faces. We should not just think about what the effect of our decision on others will be, but the effect on ourselves for doing that.

There are so many situations in life where you have to choose between two unfavourable options. There are many situations in which you cannot have the best of what you want. The thing is to really look within and see what is more important to us, then go forward and accept the outcome. Part of the difficulty is not wanting either outcome and trying to find a solution that avoids either outcome, which is unrealistic. When you face difficult situations, ask yourself, “Well, I have to face one outcome or the other, so which one do I prefer? How do I want it to be?” Also tell yourself, “I have the skills, resources and abilities to face whatever outcomes there are. It may not be pleasant, but it is also not going to last forever. And I get certain benefits from making the choice that I chose.”’

I think we often get really messed up when we are trying to have an outcome-free decision. Outcome-free decisions do not always come so easily. They do not often exist. These are difficult choices. But difficult choices make us grow up. If we do not face difficult choices, we would be infants all the time.

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